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So You Wanna Date An Asian Woman? Read This First!
I decided to write this article on dating Asian women to clear up some misunderstandings and ideas people have, as well as to give some advice for those who are thinking about it or who are dating an Asian woman.
A lot of regular readers on the site know that I have lived in Asia since 2007. As a result, I get asked a lot of questions about what it’s like to date an Asian woman. I’ll do my best to explain all I’ve learned about it in this article.
While I live in Indonesia on a permanent basis I have also traveled extensively in Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos and The Philippines over the past 8 years. I’ve also dated women from most of these countries during my time here before settling down with Mrs. Freedom.
It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that there is widespread interest in Asian women from men around the world they’re feminine, intelligent and extremely gorgeous, so why wouldn’t there be?
Everyone has their own taste in a woman of course. Dating Asia style won’t be for everyone. We all like different things, but I’m assuming because you clicked an article with the headline ‘So You Wanna Date An Asian Woman? Read This First!’ you are at least interested in the idea of doing so.
Dating Asian women is a little different from dating Western women. Yes, the initial game is much the same, but if you are planning to take it to the next level and get involved there are some things you need to be prepared for.
Dating Asian Women Step 1 – Lose the Stereotypes!
Let’s address the elephant in the room right at the start a lot of people automatically assume when they see a Western man dating Asian women she is either A) After a green card or visa, or B) Is poor and looking for security/wealth.
It is understandable why some people believe this. A lot of the Asian women who come to the West with the boyfriends/husbands do in fact fit this category, but by no means all of them have an agenda. Many of the younger Asian women you see shacked up with older men living in your home city are indeed poor, seeking security and often have an ulterior motive.
However, when you come to Asia itself you will begin to see a very different story. Yes, there are obese German tourists walking along the streets of Bangkok with two teenage prostitutes on each arm, but outside of the disgusting tourist trail that would put Caligula to shame you will find tens of thousands of happily married Western men with Asian wives, many of whom actively refuse to move to the West.
If you do decide to date an Asian woman it is perfectly possible to have a genuine relationship built on mutual love and respect rather than any alternative agenda.
The second thing you will begin to notice is that the idea of Asian people being poor is a huge misconception. The reason it seems that way is because the ones you have seen back home are often poor, hence they moved abroad to find opportunities to get out of that poverty, and also because there are a lot of people in Asia the problem seems amplified.
Another reason people believe this because they hear statistics like the average salary in Asia is $200 per month. While this would mean literal starvation and death in London or NYC, if you live with a family of five people in Central Java where rent is $50 a month and a meal costs 40 cents, you can live pretty comfortably.
However, you will quickly find when you come here that Asia has a huge middle class and a rich elite that could hire most Westerners that hold these notions as their house boys, gardeners and personal drivers if they wished.
If you are going to date an Asian woman you are going to have to tolerate these judgments from your friends, family and people you meet every day. If you’re the kind of person who seeks validation from others and cares what people think, this will be a problem for you.
Personally, I’m happy with my wife and I could care less what others people think. This level of ignorance actually says a lot more about the person making the judgement than it does about your situation with your Asian girlfriend or wife. Just remember that when the inevitable snide looks and comments come.
No matter what lifestyle choice you make, and especially if you decide to date an Asian woman, there will always be someone pointing the finger and casting judgement. Just stop giving a crap.
Nobody ever said dating Asian women was problem free. If you find the right woman, though, you’ll laugh together at all the ignorant stereotypes you encounter and it can even bring you closer together.
So What Are Asian Women Like? If I date an Asian woman what will I encouter?
Women the world over are much the same at their core. However, Asian women are different in some ways when it comes to dating/marriage and the values they hold in these areas. This is what we’re going to look at in this section. Dating Asian women does have its own unique challenges. This should shed some light.
It is important to remember that no matter where you are, from London to Bangkok, the most important deciding factor is individual personality. Stereotypes are never helpful and will often cause you to badly misjudge/underestimate someone.
There are Asian women of all varieties here just like there are back West honest, dishonest, calm and happy, bitchy and destructive, those with true intentions of finding love and those who plan to take the house just as soon as you’re dumb enough to give it over. That’s the world we live in, and your experience dating any woman anywhere in the world will depend largely on her character.
Far too many people approach dating Asian women as if they are shopping in a catalogue and will find some perfect little housewife. I hate to break it to you, fella, but if this is your attitude you’re sunk from day one!
Yet there are some characteristics you will notice that most Asian women have in the majority of cases. If you are going to date her on any serious level whatsoever, you need to be aware of these things and prepare for them. Many of these catch Western men off guard who are used to dating much more liberal Western women back home. Most, however, find these traits a pleasant surprise.
Respect For Gender Roles) Asian women will generally not challenge a man too strongly when it comes to decision time. Plenty will have their say and give their opinion, but when it comes time to make the big calls, the man is wearing the big boy boots. This comes with the burden of responsibility for those decisions, so make sure you are ready to lead.
A weak, effeminate and indecisive man will not do well with Asian women. She will see you as an immature pussy, which if you fit that description you probably are.
Asian women are also very feminine in nature (this is why many Western women despise them). They take great care of their appearance, generally like and love kids, are mostly soft-spoken and reserved in public and many of them embody most of the long-lost traditional feminine qualities many men crave.
Traditional Values) I have never met a single Asian woman in my eight years here that was not deeply traditional in her core. There are plenty of forward thinking outwardly modern Asian women with a career, the latest style and all the outward appearances of Westernization, but deep inside she wants to please her parents, have a family and be a good mum, and probably to please whatever notion of God she holds in her mind.
Whatever she says that contradicts that is just bullsh*t and game. Particularly as she reaches her late 20’s and early 30’s, if she is still unmarried, she will be getting lots of questions from her parents as to what is going on and why she hasn’t given them grandchildren yet. This is true in literally 90%+ of all cases, and you need to be aware of it if you are going to get into a relationship.
If she says otherwise, she is lying and hoping to change your mind after you ‘fall in love’.
The good side of all of this is that she will likely have been raised in a family which values tradition and will have skills you have likely not encountered yet. My wife can cook up virtually any mouth-watering meal I ask for and actually does it with a smile, while the last Western woman I dated could hardly make a piece of toast without burning it.
Family Oriented) Asian women are family oriented in the extreme. You will rarely find one who does not seek her parents approval for virtually every decision even well into adulthood. Many still live with their parents until they get married.
If you are an independent Western man this can become deeply frustrating, very fast. You need to understand that her parents will always play a major role in her life and if she is from a poor family she will have some responsibility in taking care of her parents into old age.
Asia is developing rapidly, but it is still a long, long way off the Western world. There are no real state pensions, no socialized medical care as we know it, and generally many older parents depend on their children financially when they reach retirement age.
If you are against this concept and find it a turn off you should probably reconsider dating an Asian woman. Family will always come first to her and you will have to get used to that if you want to have a successful relationship or marriage. You may also want to discuss this factor with her openly before you begin to get serious as many guys I know have gotten married and deeply involved before realizing they are now a part of the family and are expected to help out.
This rule will not apply for richer families.
Personally I find the fact that Asian women are so dedicated to their families a huge attraction factor as I am a very family oriented man myself and believe that family is really the only thing worth living for. Instead of sticking our parents in homes and neglecting them after they have given us everything they could, we could learn much from Asian communities in this respect. That’s just my opinion, however, and you’ll need to iron this issue out with your Asian girlfriend if you get to a serious level.
Security Oriented) One of the reasons you see so many Asian women dating older men is because most of them have a deep value around security.
Growing up in Asia is not anything like growing up in the Western world. Fortunes can change overnight, governments are regularly overthrown in coups, corruption is rife and the state structure in most countries is pathetic. All of this leads to a feeling of general insecurity and a desire for some sort of stability and safety in the people. Think about how you would react if you live in this situation.
As a result of all of this, security, and yes financial security, is of paramount importance to an Asian woman looking for a husband. You also have to remember that women’s rights in Asia are largely non-existent, and choosing a husband can mean the difference between a life of destitution and struggle versus a happy life of plenty.
There are exceptions to this rule, and more and more women are joining the workforce and build careers as the nations develop, but for now most Asian ladies will only take you seriously as a potential serious boyfriend or husband if you have your shit together and are on some sort of stable path.
The big advantage to this is that most Asian women I have dated are easy to please. As long as you are a good dude who puts his family first, puts the bacon on the table and has his head right, she will love you and stick with you. That’s a far cry off the ‘I need to leave all of this and go to India and find myself’ Eat, Pray, Love crap you will find at home!
All that being said, you have to remember that Asian women are PEOPLE and have THEIR OWN INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITIES. They are not predictable, they are not all the same, what pleases one will not please another and etc. Those qualities I listed above are just common traits I have found in the majority of women I know. Keep this in mind when dating Asian women and go in with your eyes open.
Things To Be Aware Of If you Date an Asian Woman
Dating is largely dating wherever you go and there are many similarities between dating Asian women and dating Western women. Pickup techniques, text game, general game and etc will all help you in your dating quest. However, there are some things which are different once you see a woman for a while and begin to stray into relationship territory. Let’s look at those factors now.
1) Things Move Faster There’s a saying here in Indonesia that if a woman dates you once she likes you, twice she considers you her boyfriend and three times she has already decided she would say yes if you popped the question.
While things are changing and the casual hookup scene is massive in big cities like Jakarta and Bangkok, it is worth noting that things move along a lot faster in Asia than back West. The American notion of dating multiple people for a year or more is not done here. You need to be aware of the signals you are sending out by continuing to date her, and if you are out to date multiple women because that’s OK in your culture, you should make sure she understands that and is cool with it too.
The saying above may be exaggerated, but be aware that if she sees you more than a couple of times she is thinking of the end game, even if you are not.
2) You Pay The Bill No, I’m not talking about paying for sex. I have never done this in Asia even though it is widely available in every bar, club, hotel and apartment building in Jakarta. Hookers are everywhere, but I do not now nor have I ever paid to play.
However, when dating you should pay for everything. This ‘split the bill’ crap is not how it is done in Asia. You are the man, you are supposed to prove that if this goes any further you will be a decent provider, and therefore she will expect you to pay the bill.
Some women who have their own career and have feminist ideals will offer to pay for the odd date. I used to let them every once in a while, but 90% of women and 90% of the time, you are paying the bill. You also need to remember that the average salary in Thailand for example, is $200 per month. If you are going out to any Western bar/restaurant and running up a $100 tab, it’s simply unreasonable to expect her to pay anything.
3) Meeting The Parents Is A Big Deal Meeting an Asian woman’s family is a big deal. If she has invited you to do so you need to be aware that this is a massive signal that she has future plans for the two of you, and by accepting the invite you are in effect saying you agree there is a future here.
This can be a huge source of misunderstanding between Western men who come from countries where meeting the parents is just bog standard after a few dates, and Asian women where meeting the parents is a signal that you are considering marriage.
Asian culture detests women who have had many boyfriends and sleep around, so she will not introduce a lot of men to her family during her lifetime. This would in effect destroy her reputation with her parents and have them look down on her, so if she invites you to meet, consider it a big deal.
If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t go. Take this as the serious signal it is. This is one respect in which dating Asian women is very different from dating back home.
4) Face Saving Is Frustrating There is a concept in Asia tat many Westerners find mind-boggling. It is called ‘saving face’. Most Asian people (not just women) will do anything including outright lie to avoid either being embarrassed or shamed or causing embarrassment or shame to you or someone else.
If you had to ask me what the single biggest annoyance is when dating Asian women, this would be it!
This leads to all manner of misunderstandings, especially if you come from a very candid culture like the USA or Australia where it is expected that you speak directly and say what you are thinking. When you are dating an Asian woman and in fact dealing with Asian people in general, you need to be careful what you say, and you also need to be aware that what is being said to you may not be the direct truth, but some version of it with the edge taken off to cause you to avoid losing face.
The only exception I have found to this is The Philippines where people will just flat-out tell you if you are pissing them off. The first time I went there someone directly challenged me for skipping a line (which I wasn’t aware of) and it genuinely shocked me, since I’d been in Indonesia so long and was used to the whole indirect/face-saving way of communicating.
As your girlfriend or wife gets used to your Western ways you will be able to develop a more direct form of communication and tell each other things straight, but this face-saving concept is worth keeping in mind to begin. If it’s embarrassing, shameful, naughty or otherwise, she won’t tell you about it. That’s a guarantee.
You have to remember that this is not wrong per se and she doesn’t see it as being deceptive or deliberately harmful. She is doing what she has been taught is the right thing to do. It’s simply a cultural difference.
Dating an Asian Woman Summary:
Dating Asian women is something every man should try, in my opinion. While there are challenges and cultural hurdles to overcome it can and often is the most rewarding experience of a man’s life
This has by no means been a comprehensive dating in Asia guide. Every example I have given has an exception and there’s much more to it than the above. I just wrote the things I have experienced and wish someone had told me about up front when I came here.
Enjoy dating in Asia fellas. You’ll likely never go back. If you want to know more about what it’s like to date an Asian woman drop me a comment and I’ll get back to you.